?

Log in

diet starts monday...tales of a fat gay man

Sep. 26th, 2009

01:24 pm - ...woke up to the sound of pouring rain...

...on wednesday i made a trip out of town...never is the challenge of eating right and "behaving" more of an issue than when travel is on the agenda...being out of town is an open invitation to temptation...so for the last 3 days i practically refused to weigh myself or to aknowledge what i was eating...i sort of made wednesday and thursday my free days...i had a delicious burger at Montana Ale Works, 2 pop tarts, chips, several bevy's at the Catspaw and was braced for a significant re-gain of all the weight i had already lost...mind you i had lost ten pounds as of wednesday morning...

...this morning, i stepped on the scale...i was still at the place where i had lost ten pounds...nothing gained...nothing lost...stalemate isn't all bad...after the emotional evening i had had...this little piece of good news rather thrilled me...buoyed me...

...those people out there struggling with weight issues...sometimes you just have to break loose...if you are on vacation...be on vacation...the scale will still be there collecting dust on your bathroom floor when you return...it may mean an extra workout or a missed "free" day...but we only have one life and sometimes a cannoli or two makes a day...just remember to return to your diet and workout regimin asap and have no regrets...just good memories and pictures to prove to yourself that you enjoyed the finer things in life to their fullest...now back to the diet, my friends...

Sep. 19th, 2009

02:57 am - ...took my family away from my carolina home...

...i know this weight issue of mine stems from my genes and early childhood environment...my family is full of people with middle-age onset diabetes...my mother was 100lbs in grade school...my dad, who also has middle-age onset diabetes, was always in good shape until his mid to late 40's...at which point he and my mother ballooned up...as did many of my brothers and sisters...

...food is comfort, reward and love...these lies often keep us from getting to the root of our real problems...like drugs, alcohol or gambling,  addictions can creep in and rewire our thought patterns until we hit rock bottom...or in this case the top...of the bathroom scale's capacity...

...dieting helps to expose these issues and since i am currently dieting i am face to face with me...

...luckily, this time during the face time with myself i am not panicked...yes, i have made mistakes...yes, since i became an adult some 15 years ago or so, i have no one to blame for my bad choices but me...however, this time i am keeping myself busy...i have short-term goals...tomorrow i would like to get up at noon and do some laundry and housework...in two months time i would like to be done recording for a while and re-budget the money spent on studio time for paying off debt and saving for vegas...which brings me to one of my long-term goals...i am saving for a trip to las vegas in february...i would also like to get another car in the future...

...the above mentioned goals keep me grounded and always looking towards something...a good distraction i dare say...my sister lost a bunch of weight, but wasn't able to keep it off...my mother back in 1989/90 lost down to her "college" weight, which was 120lbs, but that only lasted a few years...i am scared of a "relapse", yes, but i am not going to let it keep me down...i have always said that i would just once like to be a "normal" sized man....the quotation marks indicate that i know that the "normal" person in america today is most likely obese...but maybe i can go against this grain...

...food is comfort, reward and to the italians...love...but it isn't the only place to find such things...don't get me wrong, on my free day i will gladly seek comfort, reward and if make lasagna i expect love from/for food...but the rest of my time, i am hell bent on finding a new way...the old way has made me sick, i am off to hunt down the cure...

Sep. 17th, 2009

12:18 pm - ...i have tasted my own hunger, sold my body to survive...

...after yesterday's 2 extra snacks and a dinner of chicken Cacciatore  i was worried that i may have gained back weight i had lost...nope. i actually lost 1 lb. yesterday...woo hoo!! that brings my grand total to 6 lbs. so far....

...today i am cooking dinner for the family, and going to the recording studio to make more music....i dare say, over the last month or so, i have laid down some of my heavier burdens and am finding this lighter version of myself quite delightful....sure life still sucks, from time to time...and not every day is a good day, but my attitude and fortitude are becoming better with each day...if only i knew then, what i know now...

...but alas, no room for regrets, and it's not about regretting, just stating a fact...if i had this confidence ten years ago, my life would have most likely taken a different path...but i doubt i would have had the tools i needed to sustain momentum or relationships...

...i owe a great debt of gratitude to my family for waiting for the seeds to grow...to my friends for calling my bluff and for sticking by me afterwords...off to enjoy my day...

Sep. 16th, 2009

11:33 pm - ...when i knew which side my bread was buttered, i took the knife as well...

...freedom...with freedom comes responsibility...so today was my free day and i was afraid i would go hog wild...so i put a limitation on it....one sweet snack, one salty snack, and one helping of dinner...the rest of the day was diet approved food only....

...yesterday i lost another 2.5 lbs...so 5 total...tomorrow i am back at it....

Sep. 14th, 2009

01:58 pm - ...how could you be so heartless...

...day one. again...i faced the scale and 250lbs is a scary, ugly place to be....so i am back to it...i have some goals that don't so much require, but lend themselves to prefer me be smaller....also, being 35 now health isn't something to ignore....i enjoyed a bowl of special k for breakfast and have a lunch packed for work....i am super nervous and scared about this, i am going to need a lot of support. here's to smaller size, smaller ass and smaller james...it's my biggest challenge, i know i can lick it...

Jul. 18th, 2009

12:47 am - ..."waking up" in vegas...

...feed the hunger...i recently took a mid-week trip to vegas to reconnect with an old friend...because money is god and satan in vegas, i tried to trim the fat...picking and choosing what i spent my money on meant something had to "suffer"...the day i returned i felt something i hadn't felt in a long, long time...hunger...

...due to the lack of cash on hand, and time restraints i didn't get to eat before i headed off to the airport...so i spent 3 hours in the las vegas airport reading and waiting for my flight...by the time i got onto the plane i was feeling the pangs...by the time i landed i was famished...after walking around las vegas in 110 degree heat i had probably dropped 5 or 10 pounds of water weight and was generally spent...i pigged out after getting home...some kabobs, some little debbies, some popcorn, some graham crackers and peanut butter...leaving myself feeling bloated and uncomfortable...

...this afternoon when i was getting ready for work, to my shock, my work-clothes were quite loose on me...that was an unexpected residual affect from vegas, and something that after 10 months or so of nervous, depression-related eating i am ready to fully embrace...right now it is 1 in the morning...i could eat...i could pig the fuck out...but i am not going to...i am going to feed the hunger, and allow myself to settle into a new cycle...

...i may never be stick-thin...i most likely will never be a super model...but i can be healthier...i can buy clothes off the general rack again...instead of looking for that 2xl...they say, "whatever happens in vegas, stays in vegas"...this is one "happening" that i am glad made the trip back with me...

Jun. 26th, 2009

01:20 am - ...like a comet blazing across the evening sky...

...i was dressing for work tonight, when i heard the news...michael jackson died...overcome with sadness...i loved michael...his music is such a part of my life...i remembered being on the see-saw at school in 1984 singing "beat it"...i remembered how he loved ryan white, like jesus loved the lepers...i remembered "dangerous" and how brilliant and ever-present that "tape", yes tape, was during my senior year of high-school...gone too soon...

Apr. 30th, 2009

08:31 pm - ...sprinkle sugar through it...

...love has bitch slapped me into submission many times...life has turned me over her knee and paddled me well...i am finding more and more that there is less and less that i truly care about...but what i have been left with..is more and more important to me than it ever was before...a sort of don't know what you got until...it's almost gone...thankfully, this time i didn't lose everything during my meltdown...sure, i lost alot...i lost alot of things i would have preferred to not lose, but alas...

...i have had the last 3 days off from work...time to wash my sheets, reflect and try to stay warm...it snowed for about 2 days straight...no reprieve except for the bed with clean sheets...and the dvr...i have been keeping mental notes regarding what i miss about certain people, about certain actions, and about parts of myself...and what i would change...

...i miss several friends...though no amount of crying will ever bring them back around...what's done is said and done...i miss driving...though i can't go out and get into my car and drive around town right this second...it is an attainable goal...soon my pet...soon...speaking of pets...i watched marley and me last night...i miss my dog, baby...i also miss me losing...losing weight that is...i have been steadily putting on the weight i lost last year...but since i have now lost it twice, on my own without meth...i know, i can do it again...and so i will...

...we all miss and mourn and wish and hope knowing full well life is more often than not a hopelessly wish-less and mournful place to be...but we will all miss it, and if we are lucky be missed when we go...i just wish and hope i won't be mourning the fact that my loved ones are missing me because i ate myself to death...damn, now i am hungry...

Apr. 25th, 2009

05:10 am - ...or has time rewritten every line...

...while watching an old sex and the city episode, i realized...ten years ago i was watching these ladies wishing i too had such a fabulous life...with the recent advent of the sex and the city movie we all got to see how things had changed for those ladies...how they had moved on, grown, lived...and i wished i had such a fabulous life...

...i am turning 35 in a few weeks...and i am still just wishing...after too many false starts and arrested developings to count, i am feeling so stagnant...i have faked my way through relationships that were horrible for me, meanwhile letting potential suitors be stood up because of my own insecurities...while all the while i have the power to change some things about me, and i really do believe changes like my weight, health, financial status and general well-being are things i need to change and making such changes would free my psyche up for being a good partner...not just a good partner in crime...

...earlier tonight i was trying to remember how it felt to be 25...how i felt in my body...how i felt about life...how people felt about me...there is such a fugue surrounding my memories that i just can't access them...other people, your friends, lovers, peer group and family are what tie you to these memories...i have changed friends, lovers and peer groups like i change socks...only my family remains...and they are the ones i have hurt most in my pursuit of a dream...and they still dream big for me...i haven't the energy to defend myself or apologize to one more friend or lover...they all still leave in the end, yet family remains...

...without the certainty i am certain i must have had in my youth i dare say this...i am putting energies once reserved for these friends and lovers into myself and my family and starting...begining...again...diet starts monday...

Apr. 3rd, 2009

10:23 pm - ...like the deserts miss the rain...

...i am pretty good at finding the harmonies, and that's good as long as i don't let the melody elude me...these last few weeks, i have muzzled the voice in the back of my head...in an effort to adapt to a new job, and daily anew consequences of my actions...i am so consumed with day-to-day, and have been for so long, that i have all but lost sight of what could be...i was reminded today, to dream...but what happens when your dreams consist mostly of getting your needs met and no foolish, childish dreams that aren't rooted in reality but keep us tethered to the earth...just for the chance...what then?...i wouldn't ever want to live a life where i didn't believe that dreams come true, but i fear i may have just moved into that neighborhood...

...seeing myself clearly is a son-of-a-bitch...i have almost always reacted with fear...fear of success...fear of rejection...to name of few...have resulted in me being too afraid to follow through with a diet and exercise program, and actually lose the weight....fear has also held me back musically...fear of hurting someone's feelings, fear of ego's revenge...for instance, has kept me from finishing any demo project i have started...i am ultimately at stake with these two issues and if i can't control myself in these two ways, i have already lost it...don't give up...on the diet, and don't give in...to outside pressure with the music....

too soon to name goals...but i can name demons. too late to be precious...but you're precious to me.

Navigate: (Previous 10 Entries)